


Toast or A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma Covered in Butter and Jam

by Dull_Teddy



Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Chad is probably not important, College, Human Bill Cipher, M/M, Post-Episode: s02e20 Weirdmageddon 3: Take Back the Falls, Wexler University, and haven't read any fics about this, bill centric, he is just really easily kidnapped when you need a guy to kidnap, i've only watched everything once
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-30
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-09-20 21:44:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9517424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dull_Teddy/pseuds/Dull_Teddy
Summary: William Ineffable is like any other guy going to college.He doesn't know who he is, he's greedy for whatever he wants, and he's secretly a literal demon in disguise.What better place to unravel the mystery of what it is to be human than at an institution of higher learning?Anywhere.Anywhere at all.





	1. In Which There is an Obvious Narrative Hook.

**Author's Note:**

> Preamble Warnings: updates as necessary, not half so entertaining as all that, bland white bread flavor.

It was the tail end of summer where the warm breeze across your skin felt like a promise of better things, before your good fortunes said farewell at the door and walked out of your life forever.

Tourist season was winding down and Gravity falls was about to retreat back into the obscurity it rightful deserved for being such an isolated town in the middle of nowhere Oregon.

But before we pan the camera away to more intriguing and mundane places, before all sense of whimsy and excitement leaves you, and as order and education set in to rob you of your desire to live - look:

A battered and bloodied boy walks dazedly out of the forest.


	2. In Which You Took the Bait and Attempt to Read Utter Nonsense.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter One Warnings: Stale * with a side of exposition.** Watch as I tell you all about the bread without actually showing it to you.

Many things could be said about William Ineffable.

It could be said for example, that he was all leg, and the parts of him that weren't all leg seemed to be all arm, and anything left over was squashed together and stuck in the middle for the sole purpose of holding all that arm and leg together.

But while many things can be said about a person, not many actually give an accurate representation of the person in question.

In fact one would assume from the given description that William was quite tall and gangly, when he was in truth the exact opposite of that; being a small and soft in the middle sort of person that a child might have made out of playdough, having no concept of what constitutes the normal range of human proportions.

So yes, much indeed could be said of William Ineffable, but he preferred to have written the script of it himself – with heavy alterations to portray him in the best possible light and narrative framework.

To that end he was very particular with what he wore in any given situation.

And so our story begins nine years after that somewhat maimed boy had stumbled out of the woods surrounding Gravity Falls – missing both an eye and any memory with which to give him any sense of self – with that same young man glaring into the depths of his wardrobe as if it had personally offended him.  

The bear attack – or so the local authorities had been all too happy to dismiss the case as – had robbed him of many things, but what nature took with one hand, it granted with another.

According to all accounts, prior to that summer nine years ago, William had been a friendly, positive, and none too bright young man, doing his best to hold his negligent and distant parents together through endless optimism and sheer denial of reality.

The Ineffable’s didn’t talk to one another or to anyone at all really. William babbled nonsense near incessantly. The Ineffable’s were both business professionals at the top of their field. William preferred catching and eating bugs to attending classes. No one would dare criticize the Ineffable’s parenting… but William’s lack of socialization was readily apparent in the bruises he’d come home with on a daily basis.   

Whatever had drawn Mr. and Mrs. Ineffable together enough to spark a child, whatever goodness and love that they had shared must have trickled down into or have been completely sucked out of them by said child.

That fateful family vacation had been a last ditch effort between Mr. and Mrs. Ineffable to make things work between them, for their son’s sake.

Had things worked out differently William Ineffable could have grown up a happy, well-adjusted boy in a foster home.

He would not have spent the better part of a year in physical therapy adjusting to monocular vision, and regaining proper use of his limbs. He would not wake up every day wondering why he felt like a stranger in his home, his family, in his own skin. This would be a very different story had the Ineffable family stayed away from Gravity Falls, and things would have been much different for William and every life he touched after that.

For you see… The boy who came back was very different than the one that had left.

Despite having been out of school for a year and never having been of a scholastic bent before, he had tested into his grade with ease. William had always been quite verbose, but now he possessed an eloquence he’d always lacked. His social skills grew with leaps and bounds and it wasn’t long before the former bug eating boy was the unofficial king of the school.

Everyone wanted to be his friend. Those who didn’t learned very quickly it was safer to keep that to themselves. They found they slept better at night that way.

So yes, William Ineffable had lost and gained in turn, and when the scales balanced it seemed he’d come out ahead. 

And yet…

An alarm buzzed on the nightstand, causing William to growl out something unflattering about its mother before yanking on an oversized button up shirt. Left untucked over skinny jeans and with short heeled boots it gave the illusion of both height and a svelte body.

He produced a comb and with a practiced hand swept his straight blond hair to cut across his face and cover his prosthetic eye; while the left eye was near indistinguishable from his right, the scaring was still obvious even though time had softened them into faint lines.

The phone buzzed again, and somewhat mollified that he was now presenting the image he wanted for his first official day of collage, he grabbed the device and flicked it into submission. Obediently it stopped screaming its dire warning of tardiness and was slipped into a pocket along with his other personal effects.

William Ineffable was more than ready to face the day, and had been for quite some time.

And yet…

On today’s agenda was the last day of move in for students before classes started, and as such it was also the day that the school staff had decided to hold orientation for incoming freshmen.

The hall of the dorm was packed with boys around his age and their families involved in the bustle and minutia of last minute unpacking, and he was grateful that he'd either been spared a roommate or that they were running late and he’d lucked out in avoiding making nice with their no doubt overly proud and obnoxiously emotional parents.

RAs and the rest of school staff were out in full force passing out schedules and waving over freshman with promises of help that were only fulfilled on this day, after that they crawled back into the depths of the admin building to processes a never ending stream of paperwork without solace or rest until next year.

William had done extensive research in the week after he'd moved into the dorm and probably knew just as much about the campus as any of the seniors.

Being on top of things was a special skill of his; he knew who all the major players were on campus up to and including the upcoming freshman. He knew who to suck up to, who to bully, and who on the staff to blackmail and with what. If there was any benefit to having no childhood memories it was extra room in his brain to make sure he was always at least three steps ahead.

And yet…

The only thing William hadn’t possibly been ready for today was the fact that someone so far down on his list of noticeable, worthy, and interesting people would prove to be all of those things within minutes of arriving.

* * *

It couldn’t be said that since the events that had started at the Mystery Shack and concluded in the end of the end of the world that the Pines twins had come into themselves. No, that sort of growth had been gotten out of the way that very specific and peculiar summer and any development since then had only added to their surety in themselves and each other.

What could be said however, was –

"Grappling hook!" Snapped Dipper as he ran towards the library, messenger bag bouncing heavily on his hip as he pushed callously through his fellow freshmen with casual disregard for the right of way.

“I gotcha Dip Dot.” Mabel acknowledge from where she ran instep beside him. In well-practiced motion her hand reached behind her into the open bedazzled back pack, pulled the gun, aimed and fired with smooth pinpoint accuracy that must be the envy of military personal somewhere.

The successful ting of the hook catching in the safety rail around the roof drew even more attention as the twins held onto one another and swung themselves to the top of the library.

"Executing retrieval plan emergency salami!" True to her word, Mabel dropped the gun – which was worn and dented in such a way that showed that this was a longstanding habit of poor care and not a reaction to the severity of the situation the twins faced – and produced from her bag a rather larger Ziploc bag of cured sausage slices.

The large, multi-tentacled, one eyed beast froze as the bag opened. “Who’s a hungry man eating monster?” Cooed the girl as if the creature before her was simply an overgrown puppy.

As Mabel reached into the bag she listed to the left, and it followed her in a wriggling mass of waving appendages, eye never leaving her hand as she gripped a piece of meat to wave tantalizingly before it.   

Meanwhile, Dipper took advantage of the thing’s distraction to quietly creep around the right to get behind and out of sight.

A long, thick tentacle reached for the girl but she raised a single finger and wagged it imperiously. The casual observer should note that the eldritch form significantly out massed her, had at least four more arms, and a mouth hole filled with teeth that could easily shred and swallow her – bedazzled back pack and all – without any trouble what so ever. That being said, what is less obvious was why the beast hesitated and pulled away instead of consuming her on the spot along with the much coveted lunch meat.

Mabel raised the meat above her head and put her free hand on her hip. “If you want the salami you have to drop the student.”

It gave a long slow blink and then looked over at the student in question – Chad, a senior who was not upset in any way, and in fact seemed quite bored to be hanging some six feet off the ground at the mercy of a hungry cephalopod – and then back at Mabel as if wondering whether a human in hand was worth a pound of salami in a bag.

Shrugging Mabel brought the meat closer to her face. “Guess I’ll just have to eat all of it by myself.” Eating it she reached for another piece and spoke again, showing a mouth full of half chewed food. “Nommy.”

The student hit the ground with a painful sounding thunk and lunged in the way of boneless things for the salami that was again being dangled tantalizingly before it.

As it did it seemed to grow smaller and smaller still, until it was hardly bigger than a hamster and plopped harmlessly into the bag. It ripped into the slices in a way that belayed its now harmless appearance.

Dipper, casually putting away a flashlight, retrieved a glass jar from his bag and dumped the oblivious monster from the bag into it, tightly screwing on a liberally perforated lid.   

Having finished its snack, the thing yawned, stretched, and fell into an ill deserved slumber untroubled by human notions of right, wrong, and responsibility.

The same could not be said for Dipper Pines.

Unnoticing of or simply ignoring Dippers disapproving stare Mabel snatched up the jar and cuddled it close as she gushed over its contents. “Awww look at him, he’s all tuckered out from rampaging.” She slung her free arm over her brother’s shoulder. “You know it’s not too late to talk them into letting you keep him in your room so you won’t be lonely.”

“Mabel, we’ve talked about rewarding and encouraging bad behavior in Grunkle Ford’s specimens! He shouldn’t have gotten _one_ slice of salami, let alone a whole bag of it!” Exasperated, Dipper snatched the jar back and shoved it back into his messenger bag.

“But he didn’t hurt anyone Dipper!” Completely unrepentant, she scooped up the neglected and abandoned grappling hook and set it to retract the rope. “He was just tired of being cooped up in the jar!”

 Throwing his hands in the air, he gestured at the student who only now seemed to be getting his wind back from being dropped. "He almost ate that guy!"

That being an irrefutable fact, and only one of the many times the creature in question had attempted to eat a person and had been narrowly prevented from doing so by the twins, it was difficult for Mabel to argue the point.

So she didn’t bother making the attempt. “Well, _you’re_ the one who got our luggage mixed up with theirs Dipping Sauce, because you just couldn’t wait to compare your new journal with Grunkle Ford’s.”

In a manner quite resembling a fish Dipper opened and closed his mouth a few points before rolling his eyes and conceding the point. “You’re right, you’re right.” He sighed. “Let’s just get back to the RV and help them get the mess straightened out before Grunkle Stan gets the idea to con his way onto the staff.”

Mabel complied, and repelled them down to the campus grounds leaving the nearly eaten student behind to find his own way down from the roof.

"They were at sea for _years_ why are they so worried about us going to _college_?"

Dipper shrugged and they wandered back the way they had come at a much more leisurely pace.  

Chad didn’t mind being abandoned though; at this point he was used to being the school damsel and had in fact gotten an entire set of campus keys made for just these sorts of occasions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Footnotes:
> 
> * Standards must be low indeed if 117 words of prologue can garner such a positive reaction. Six kudos? While I appreciate the support, I do wish you hadn’t gotten your hopes up. As this promises to be the most pretentious*** thing I’ve had the pleasure of writing, I don’t expect you’ll this terribly engrossing.
> 
> ** I would also like to reiterate my warning in the tags – I have not read any fanfiction for this particular fandom and I’ve only seen the series once. My characterization shall most likely be substandard at best. 
> 
> *** I will fade in and out between my normal writing style and what I have deemed my lecturey voice and I apologize for both the lack of consistence in tone and my inability to stay on topic.**** 
> 
> **** As should be fairly evident at this point I love to talk. I recommend – as a completely unbiased third party – indulging that love by chatting with the author in the comments.


End file.
